Whip creamed as Mustard spices things up!

Keen as Mustard 6 - 1 Whip Y’All 4 Real

The final round of games in the Southwark Thursday Summer Premiership and Mustard were left with nothing left to play for except pride. Their final fixture was to be against title chasing Whip Y’All 4 Real whose mission was a difficult but clear one. Play back to back games; first against Lloyds and then against Mustard and pick up at least four points from the two games. That would put them out of the reach of their only title challenger Metro and the glory would be theirs. Their first game ended in a 7-1 romp and gave them an unexpected opportunity to rest some of their players in anticipation of the Mustard showdown.

However, if they thought the Mustard would roll over for them they were wrong.

Whip started well, Ginny the cat making a couple of fine early saves before the post came to Mustard’s rescue. Five minutes in and the game Whip had just finished looked to have warmed them up rather than tired them out. But then things changed, a couple of slick one touch passes released Downey who ran the length of the pitch before smashing the ball past everybody’s favourite Austrian to give the yellows a 1-0 lead. Just before halftime Downey doubled the advantage. Receiving a Ginny throw out the left footed maestro turned on a sixpence and toepoking the ball into the far corner. 2-0. Half time and Whip Y’All have a mountain to climb.

As the second half started it was clear that just like Liverpool FC in 1989 Whip Y’All’s title dreams were destined to fall at the final hurdle. Fine strikes by the returning Cookson and gaffer Thornton well and truly put the game to bed as the lead was extended to 4-0. The fifth Mustard goal was arguably the best of the lot. A roll out was flicked by Downey (what a player that lad is by the way) into the path of Cookson who finished well. It is unclear exactly what the keeper was saying in the rant that followed but I can guess it didn’t translate as ‘Well played Scott, that really was a fine effort.’ Downey completed his hattrick thanks to a delightful Thornton through ball and the only blot on the evening was the late consolation that Mustard conceded. Well, that and the fact that Metro’s win over Independiente meant that they were the champions. New season starts next week. Let’s carry this momentum on and win that crown back.

Up the Mustard.

Relegation dog fight!

Keen as Mustard 5 - 4 LECG Independiente FC

Not words usually accotiated with the mustard. But after a very topsy turvey season finding themselves needing a win and three points. This would  almost gaurantee  top flight survival. Having Whip ya all,  the potential champions in the final game no risks could be taken.

The match report may be vague due to a couple of weeks passing and several pints of cider. As i arrived the early signs were good, Trevor “the turtle” Finding had given his joints a dam good lubricating prior to kick off and was just polishing off the remainder of his third pint. Obviously extremely nervous and feeling the pressure. The rest of the lads had had the standard water and seemed upbeat. Maybe because of the tremendous rallying call from the gaffer.

The game kicked off and the mustard started at a good pace and had a couple of half chances.  After some good passing and teamwork Tom Hyde mananged to score to put the mustard in front. But a lapse in concentration allowed the opposition to equalise with a decent effort leaving the turtle no chance. Again Tom Hyde pulled the mustard in front with another oppotunity that he had created for himself. As we all know the mustard don’t like to do anything easy and went in at half time two apiece.

The second half was a different story. limiting the number of shots at the turtle. The passing improved and the work rate was superb, expecially from the dynamic Chris “but you can call me Christine” Baker. With so much at stake we dominated the second half but with the few shots we allowed them each one seemed to hit the back of the net.  Three goals  from angus, chris and the gaffer sealed the win. Chris chalking up 29 goals (27 of which coming via various parts of the shin pad) leaving him two goals behind all time record goal scorer dicky thornton.

Lets look forward to another season in the Premier were we belong!

Metro posts win as Mustard fail to write headlines once again

Metro 6 – 2 Keen as Mustard

Going into this game Mustard were looking to bounce back from a torrid run of results which had seen them pick up just a single point in four games, so confidence was low and once again they were without their sturdy defender Paul “Haddock” Hendry.  Rumours that he got his shin-splints tip-toeing for extra purchase with a package of sausages and a razzle in near proximity are unconfirmed as the club appears to be sweeping the incident under the carpet. 

So back to the game.  Mustard lined up hoping history would repeat itself, rather like the Kents Best does the next day, having beaten Metro comfortably earlier in the season 8-3.  That day saw a legendary cameo from a certain Paul Gower and was  during some of the more brighter days of the season for Mustard. 

Unfortunately the Mustard put on a horror show for the watching faithful and looked second best from the off.  It was only through some last-ditch defending, poor shooting from the opposition, and some heroics in goal from the returning Trevor “Turtle” Finding that the scores at half time were level.  That said, Mustard did look more organised than in recent weeks and were putting it about a little, mixing it with arguably the biggest and most physical side in the division.  Metro to their credit were generally firm but fair, although one particularly late challenge on the skipper Thornton long after the whistle had blown for a free-kick sticks in the memory as being unsavoury.

Baker, growing barnet and all, bagged a brace with two delightful strikes, one a long ranger that in his words “was probably one of the best goals you’ll ever see”.  It was a good strike granted, but won’t be making any DVDs this Christmas.  It did though top off a good all around performance from “Mr Motivator” but sadly wasn’t enough to bring the points back to Mustard HQ.

In the second half, Metro stepped up a gear and in fairness peppered the Mustard goal with shots following slick passing and moving.  At times though it was all too easy for them with Mustard laying down at times in the second half and getting rolled over.  The effort wasn’t helped by Tom “Dead Man Walking” Hyde with his flu, which effectively disarmed him of his usual sprightly alertness and touch.  He was that pale he made Casper the ghost looks like he uses a sunbed.

At the end it was six (6) goals to Metro with four coming without reply in the second half on another miserable night for the Mustard.  Surely better times are ahead but the Mustard ultras were left wondering where that next win was coming from.

So, plenty to mull over for the Gaffer as the Mustard go into their final two games needing at least one win to ensure safety. Not a position anyone would have imagined Mustard to be in at this stage of the season following the triumphant championship winning one last time out.  Without doubt the lack of a consistent squad and with key personnel missing its been a tough gig, even for the resourceful Gaffer.

UTM!

Mustard whipped in sad, soggy, Southwark soccer.

Whip Y’all for real 5 Keen as Mustard 3

 

With Gaffer Thornton sunning himself on a Portuguese beach it was Downey that stepped into the caretaker manager’s chair for Mustard’s crucial clash with high flying Whip Y’All. And as caretaker manager spells go, history will probably rank it as about as successful as Joe Kinnear’s Newcastle stint.

Hit with a long list of absentees including Cookson (parental leave) Thornton (holibobs) Hyde (playing footie with his real mates) and Haddock (mythical shin splints) League of Ireland all time top scorer Declan Reddington was drafted in as an emergency signing meaning that Mustard went into the game with a squad of six.

The talk before the game was about the importance of getting a good start and the yellows got exactly that as Angus fired low past the South African goalie with roughly 0.2 seconds gone. Unfortunately Whip equalized about 3 seconds later and it was 1-1.

Mustard settled quite well though with Declan looking ever threatening and it was his shoot on sight policy that yielded a superb second for Mustard as they took a deserved 2-1 lead. The challenges were flying in at quite a rate as there was certainly no love lost between the teams, Declan took the physical nature of the game one step further by charging into the ref then trampling all over him while he was on the floor. Not the ideal way to get the man with the whistle on your side.

The Whip Y’all striker was being well marshalled/kicked by Bakes but still managed to find enough space to squeeze an equalizer past Donc and we swapped ends with the score at 2-2.

The second half however, was a whole lot tougher, the youth and speed of Whip Y’all started to tell as the Mustard legs tired. A couple of speculative strikes, one from the tightest angle I have ever seen put Whip Y’all 4-2 up and the game seemed to be over, however Declan’s second of the game made it 4-3 with a couple of minutes left and gave the yellows the faintest of hopes. Unfortunately those hopes were extinguished when the Whip Y’all danger man nutmegged Mason before slotting home. 5-3. Game over. There was however still time for Baker to get involved in a war of words with the South African/Austrian keeper

The championship looks like too big an ask from here but with teams taking points off each other left, right and centre stranger things have happened.

Even worse news followed as it turned out Dec had given Dickie’s name to the ref when he scored thus adding two much needed goals to the absent gaffer’s goal scoring tally this season.

 

 

UTM

Mustards in the Red as Lloyds Nick a Point

Keen as Mustard 2 – 2 Lloyds Register All Stars

Strange one this…….on the one hand the Mustard avoided a second defeat of the season against the lads from Lloyds, on the other it was a strangely flat performance and the boys in yellow should really have really wrapped up the three points.

The Mustard were without some bloke called Cookson (didn’t even play and still gets a mention in the blog), who has been blazing a trial in the scoring charts this season, after he entered the world of fatherhood which seems to equate to no sleep, multiple nappy changes, endless re-runs of CBBC and more worryingly in Mr Miller’s case, the end of his Mustard Career (this blogger is 26 so has no idea about such things but this is my impression……on a side note congrats Scotty!). The reigning champs still lined up strongly with the only concern for Gaffa Thornton being the on running feud between Mason and Endo about the length of the formers hair……some may say this also stems back to the end of season pant stealing incident but neither were available for comment.

To the game, and the Mustards came out of the box about as fast as Sol Campbell at pre-season training and promptly found themselves one nil down within 30 seconds. Despite Donavan getting a hand on the ball Lloyds were ahead inside their opening attack and once again the Mustard were forced to come from behind………and come from behind they did…….. the ever willing Hyde collected the ball in midfield and fed the on rushing Downey who calming slotted past the Lloyds goalkeeper to draw the sides level. The Lloyds keeper, incidentally, is unofficially the best keeper in this league and showed why by thwarting Hyde, Gaffa Thornton and Baker with a string of pointblank saves which kept the score level at the interval.

The Mustard knew they needed something special to draw ahead……… but instead they settled for one of the most embarrassing goals ever seen on the hallowed top corner turf (btw, did anyone else see notice these “ground improvements” which forced the postponement of last week’s game because this writer certainly didn’t) The disgruntled Hyde, still smarting from last week’s blog snub (I scored three as well Baker you tool) drilled a shot which bounced off the keeper, fence, post and keeper again before nestled in the back of the net to give the mustards a deserved, if somewhat fortuitous, lead. Alas some sloppy defending by the goal scorer then allowed the portly Lloyds striker a site of Donk’s goal and despite another slight touch he was unable to stop the ball from skidding in to make it 2-2. The Lloyds keeper once again lived up to his billing by turning a Thornton pile driver onto the post towards the end, and a combination of some way-wood shooting from both sides plus some Donk Heroics meant the ever jovial ref brought the game to an end with the score’s still level. The combative Baker was given the nod for MOM, probably due to his pre-match flirting with the aforementioned ref, but he certainly seems to have recovered from his injury lay off, even if his blog writing ability is still more tabloid than broadsheet…   

So a missed opportunity perhaps but always good not to lose………roll on Whip y’all next week with the Mustard firmly in the title shake up once again…..to quote the Gaffa “We are right in the mixer and a win next week would be lovely boys”

UTM

Cookson shines as Mustard crush title pretenders

Mustard 8 – Currency Solutions 3

With 2 straight defeats things were starting to turn sour for the defending Champions in what looks like being yet another tight season in the top flight.  If Mustard are something however, then it is certainly resilient and the return from injury of influential playmaker and rock steady linch pin (as well as all round Mustard legend) Baker and a keeping debut for Sam ‘they called me the cat at primary school’ Donovan (oh did I tell you about my film on channel4), Mustard went into the game against title pushers Currency with confidence in the ascendancy.

The ‘Keen’ started brightly with flair and precision, a trade mark of previous dominating performances, bamboozling the frustrated Currency squad, who had incidentally started the game with only 3 of their 7 players signed on.  Ringer really doesn’t come close…

The rejuvenated and highly prized Cookson again showed the crowds why his captain has kept faith (throughout his penalty giveaway nightmare) by bagging the first early on and things looked rosy.  However, Mustard somehow sat back and forgetting their debacle from the previous game against the league’s new comers, allowed Currency to hit 3 with no reply with Baker strangely at fault for 2 of the goals.

Half time and normality was restored.  In congress with previous seasons the Mustard changed ends as calmly as they had started the game and began the second half as though nothing had happened.  This new found calmness is a recent edition to the ever bulging arsenal of weapons the yellows now have at their disposal, and it served them to great effect, hitting an untainted 7 to complete a comprehensive 3^rd win in 5.

Skip marvel signalled his come back to scoring ways, sinking his considerable goal drought and starting the Mustard off on their ‘free for all’ scoring rampage.  Ever sprightly and willing whippersnapper Hyde hit 3 with a Cookson special sandwiched in between making the score an unattainable 6-3.  There was still time however, for Cookson to steal the headlines and hit his hatrick of hatricks this season (a record that will surely take some beating, even in a league of this quality).  Baker rounded off a dominating and authority stamping performance by the Mustard (yet unusually jaded by his high standards) by slotting the 8^th and final goal through the forlorn Currency keepers legs, sending a subliminal message never to mess with the yellows.  It only ends in embarrassment…

Life aint real without a touch of spice.

UPTHEMUSTARD

4-Goal Cookson Fails to Stop the Mustard Rot

Keen as Mustard 4 – 6 LECG

Following last weeks spirited but ultimately point-less outing against Lloyds, Mustard’s injury worries continued to pile up against league new-comers LECG. Influential Chris Baker remains sidelined following knee-surgery and with Wiggy Mason discussing personal terms with Grampus 8 in China, Thornton was again down to bare bones, although he was able to welcome back Trevor Mutant Ninja Turtle Finding in goal. These worries were compounded in the warm-up when It became clear that Haddock was nursing one-hangover too many and Angus Light was someway off match-fitness.

Mustard needn’t have worried though, any side boasting the twin firepower of Cookson and Hyde will get you goals and it wasn’t long before Cookson took the game to LECG, two well taken goals later and Mustard were cruising. So much so that everybody else stopped playing, lured into the dangerous trap of thinking the game was already won. To be fair to LECG their playing staff belied their position at the foot of the table and they responded well to go in at half time level.

At the start of the second half Mustard re-settled and with heads back on began to dominate again. The majority of possession was theirs but the oppo were proving difficult to break down until a lovely one-two between Thornton and Cookson on the edge of the box saw Cookson poke in his second hat-trick of a fledgling season. Mustards tails were now up and a quick throw out from the Turtle saw Cookson roll his marker and spank a majestic right foot howitzer into the far corner. Cookson 4 – LECG 2!

With only 10 mins remaining this should have been the platform for Mustard to get back to winning ways but a capitulation of monumental proportions was to follow. Sloppy play all over the pitch saw a spirited LECG again draw level and remarkably for a team of Mustards tenacity they were second to every ball. Light showed his rustiness and allowed his man to turn leaving him no option but to cynically bring him down. LECG showed quick awareness and banged the resulting free-kick in to the bottom corner – the goals should never had stood as the ball was clearly moving but that can’t disguise the fact that there was no Mustard player within 10-yards of a free kick on the edge of the area – criminal.

Mustard rallied and thought they had equalised when Hyde jinked his way through and poked a shot agonisingly wide. LECG had the final word, scoring a controversial sixth which was clearly above head-height much to the disgust of the travelling yellow-army.

We can moan all we want about two goals which probably shouldn’t have been given but after throwing away a 2-goal lead twice, Mustard can only really blame themselves for this defeat.

The referee began a long walk to redemption by rightly awarding free-scoring Cookson the MoM award. If only everyone had done their job as effectively as the re-born striker…….